I Am A Sinner

Important in the records of the dispensations is that when men depart from God's way and substitute their own ways in it place, they usually do not admit that this is what they are doing. Often they do not deliberately or even consciously substitute their ways for God's ways.  On the contrary, they easily and largely convince themselves that their way is God's way. The apostasy described in the New Testament is not a desertion of the cause, but perversion of it, a process by which 'the righteous are removed, and none perceives it. 

Let me give you a personal example.

I would not have described myself as a Sinner when I was younger, or even in my middle age years. Only other people were sinners, those bad people who had committed acts and transgressions, none of which I had committed. I had been taught that the Gospel of Jesus Christ was about my righteousness, my goodness, my worthiness and my works. I saw myself as one of the good guys. I had always thought that Christ gave us His gospel and all we needed to do was live it. I was one of those who went about to establish my own righteousness. To have been called as a Bishop, I had to be righteous. I had to be one of the good guys. Right? I was, after all, one of the Saturday Warriors who had been sent to the earth in the last days. I was so good in the preexistence that I was born a Mormon, had married in the temple, had great kids, etc. I lived the word of wisdom, was morally clean, had a temple recommend, and I paid my tithing. I had to be good. Right?

I can't remember when I first began to realize that I had been living a perverted gospel, and that I had been deceiving myself into thinking that I was good. But the more I searched the scriptures and listened to God's voice through His words, the more I realized that I was worshiping a false image--an image of myself as a good guy in a world with the lot of bad guys. I was comparing myself to others and could always find others much worse than I was. I was a winner and knew that I could flash my report card and be accepted into heaven. Whatever weaknesses there may have been, He would beat me with a few stripes, but in the end I would be saved.

But something in me changed when I read Romans 10:1-4:

"For I bear them record that they have a zeal of God, but not according to knowledge. For they being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves to the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone that believeth."

That was me! I was going about to establish my own righteousness. I was ignorant of God's righteousness and I had not submitted myself to the righteousness of God. Certainly I had taken strength unto myself and was lifted up in the imagination and the thoughts of my heart. I had been preaching myself and not Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4-5).

I thought of all the ways I had done this. It was about me. I wanted others to see me as one of the good guys. I had a testimony! I had read the scriptures! I was an active church member! I was the elder brother, part of the ninety and nine that (thought) they needed no repentance.  I was certainly not the prodigal son! I was not the lost sheep!

I was starting to see myself as one who worshiped God with my lips, but whose heart was far from Him.  This came about as I really began to study the word of God, which is truth, light, and the spirit of Christ (D&C84:45), and holding myself up against that light, I soon experienced the darkness that was within me.  I realized that I had been teaching the doctrines of men mingled with scriptures, and had myself accepted these teachings.  I had made my ways God's ways.

I wanted to repent of this wickedness, but wanted to know how the Lord defined repentance. I was determined to submit myself to God's righteousness, and soon I began to see myself in comparison to Him.  It is true that as I came unto Him He immediately began to show unto me my weaknesses. (Ether 12:27)  I  read that repentance is the main message of the Book of Mormon, which also tells us that the essence of repentance is knowing exactly what we are--"O how great is the nothingness of...men" (Helaman 12:17). I learned that Godly sorrow--"sorrowing unto repentance, because of the goodness of God" (Mormon 2:13)--lead both Paul and Nephi to exclaim:  "What a wretched man that I am!" (2 Nephi 4:17; Romans 7:24). For the first time in my life I felt my nothingness and my wickedness in comparison to His goodness. 

But like most people, I suppose, I did this privately because at first I was afraid to show to anyone else what I was discovering about myself.  I was still hiding behind my false image. I was starting to see that my image was after the image of the world, and that I fared in this life according to my strengths and talents.  I had certainly taken strength unto myself and cut myself off from my Savior, my roots (Jacob 5:48). I could, for the first time understand why self-righteousness was described as being corrupted. I saw myself and the evil in my own heart. He showed me the hearts of some who were meekly following and serving their Savior, and I wanted to be like them. I read a lot about the heart in the scriptures and found my own heart wanting. I could give lip service to loving God with all my heart, but I knew that within my own heart I really didn't. 

I learned that repentance includes the process of knowing myself, and in doing so, I discovered it was an unsettling exercise in self knowledge. Even though I was born innocent, there are flaws in my nature, weaknesses in my character, and evil in my heart, and for the very first time I realized that I was a Sinner. I wasn't ready yet to describe myself as a Chief Sinner, but I was getting close.

Soon everything I was reading and hearing in the scriptures was jumping out at me with the message: It is not about your righteousness, but about Christ's! It is, in fact, about your unworthiness (Alma 38:14).  I was changing and was no longer comparing myself to others. I was beginning to acknowledge my unworthiness before God.

Through God's word, I heard that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the power of God unto salvation, and not the power of me earning my salvation through good works. I heard that we attain unto the righteousness of Christ through faith in Christ (Romans 9:30-33). And as I experienced my nothingness and His goodness, I knew that I must put my faith in Him and not in myself, because no matter what I did, I would always fall short of His goodness. I was beginning to understand the fall of Adam and its effect on all mankind, and then I began to experience my own lost and fallen state. It was then, and only then, that I realized the need for the Atonement in my own life. I was no longer the elder brother, or part of the ninety and nine that needed no repentance. I was the prodigal son!  I was the lost sheep!

God's words taught me that repentance is not a single act or multiple acts of righteousness. It is the action of turning to God and His righteousness and turning away from Evil--turning our backs on all that which is opposed to the Righteousness of God, experiencing that only God is righteous and desiring to be a follower of His Righteousness. Man cannot be righteous, so the righteousness that I follow is God's. I realized that a hard heart is one that is set upon the things of the world and upon the imaginations of our hearts, and turns us away from God's righteousness. I realize that I am standing in the middle and am faced with absolute decisions.... I am either repenting or not repenting and that is, according to the scriptures, the whole difference between being in a state of His righteousness (1 Nephi 22:26 & 28; Mosiah 27:25) or being wicked and under the influence of Satan.

It was revealed to me that all of us are sons and daughters of God, but that we cannot and do not live wholly good lives because of the fall of Adam. We need to be saved from the evil in our own hearts, the lack of our own minds, and the weakness of our own strength. Jesus Christ was sent to this earth first as Jehovah, then as the mortal Jesus, and then as the resurrected Savior, to save us from ourselves, from our weaknesses, and from our sins.

When I realized that there are divers ways and means whereby we can sin, even so many that we cannot number them (Mosiah 4:29), and that even one sin, no matter how small, subjects me to the Justice of God (James 2:10), hope for me came only in my Savior. I didn't want the justice of God! I wanted and needed Mercy, and I learned that Mercy comes only to those who repent, and that I must recognize the darkness within me and turn to Him who is mighty to save (which is His definition of what it means to repent). I knew that it was hopeless to rely upon any of my merits, but must rely wholly and alone upon His merits! (2 Nephi 31:19; Moroni 6:4) There is no law that could save me. No amount of human goodness or improvement could save me. No amount of self discipline could save me. I knew that because of His mercy, it was possible that I could be found guiltless at the judgment bar. He would be merciful to me and save me from my sins. I knew that it was through His grace that I would be saved, after all I could do, and all I could do was to repent (2 Nephi 25:23; Alma 24:11).

All that I have done in my life is a testament to the fact of my being a Sinner. And I don't mind acknowledging now that I am a Chief Sinner. I don't mind telling you that I have sinned, and I will continue to sin, but that through faith in my Savior, I am no longer under sin or in captivity because of my sins. I can be saved from all my sins, and even someday from my iniquities, and that He will perfect me. 

I hate the fact, however, that I have sinned and that I do sin. I know that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance. Some of my sins have caused people to be hurt and wounded. My sins have disappointed many, and perhaps even caused some to lose faith. I know that without His mercy, I could not stand in the presence of God and would want to have the rocks fall on me to hide me from His presence. How grateful I am for His gift of Repentance, for His love and mercy! And I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I have experienced the darkness within me and in the world.  I realize now that I cannot deny the darkness within or avoid the darkness in the world.  I have seen it, acknowledged it, accepted it, experienced it, but have transcended it by seeking God's light shining in the darkness. And now my sole purpose is to serve God by bringing others to Him like Alma did, so they can taste as I have tasted.

It is my prayer that we all come to know that our hearts need to be changed and can be changed through faith in His name, and that there is no other name given whereby salvation cometh.  I would that we not deceive ourselves into thinking that our ways are God's ways.  Our hearts rule and whatever they want we will get. In these last days we cannot afford to think that by taking strength unto ourselves we will be saved. We cannot be saved by our efforts at living well. Our goodness is flawed goodness. Overcoming the effects of the fall cannot be by human efforts and sacrifice, by self discipline and moral living.  It requires an infinite and eternal sacrifice.

I would that you would take upon you the name of Christ and retain His name always written in your hearts, and that you hear and know the voice by which you should be called, and also, the name by which He shall call you, for "how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart" (Mosiah 5:13)?

We need to eliminate from our thinking that it is about our efforts, our striving, our discipline, remembering that "...there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need (or think they need) no repentance" (Luke 15:7). 

Imagine that we have all been born again and have become new creatures, relying wholly upon the merits of Christ:  

Then the works that we do will be His works done by the power and gifts of God according to our faith in Him, the fruits of our repentance.  

We then know He is the vine and we are the branches, and that the branches cannot bring forth fruit of themselves.  

We will recognize and receive His gifts and rejoice in them and in Him who is the giver of the gifts. 

We will love because we have been filled with His love, and will desire that all partake of His love.  

His love will be expressed through us and, we will hold up His light rather than our own.  

We will look to Him and live, and desire all to look and live, and will do everything we can to serve Him by serving others, and bring them to Him.

He will take away our disposition to do evil and cure our tendency to turn away from Him.  

We will switch from worshiping ourselves and each other to worshiping our God and King!