This is posted with David's permission.
I first met David when he was ten or eleven years old. It was at our ward in Lehi, Utah. Anyone who met David could not help but be captivated by him. His mother who is Muslim would bring David and his sister to church each Sunday. She had previously been married to a member of the Church, who had died when David and Arianna were young. They had been baptized and their mother wanted them to stay involved in the Church.
Since everyone is special and distinct to our Heavenly Father, it is accurate to say that David is special. Special to us in the sense that he is woven into our lives.
His own words at his mission farewell talk may best describe his teenage years.
I was disobedient and lived a double life. I walked many dark roads in the past ten years seeking for peace, truth, and happiness, and even if there was a God, why would he want to help me? I transgressed away from this God, so why should he help me? "For God so loved the world, that he gave his Only Begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16).
Somewhere deep inside I wanted to change my ways, but I continued in my sins and the consequences of my choices were depression, fear, stress, low self esteem, hatred, anger, being numb, etc. I tried going from one pursuit to another only to find false happiness. I truly wanted happiness, peace and comfort in my life, but didn't know where to go to find it. I would attend church, young men, scouts, etc. to put up a facade. I had no interest in reading the scriptures whatsoever.
I always wanted people to think I was a good guy (he succeeded). In the year 2013 I gained a weak testimony of Jesus Christ, but didn't understand the Gospel and I acted like a Pharisee. (Quotes Matthew 23:27). I would judge others for their sins while mocking them and then I would act as if I was righteous and free from sin. This wasn't the case. Inside I was miserable.
This was the David I knew, but I also saw so much goodness and light in him. He was loved by those in the ward, especially some of the older members, because he always had a smile and kind words for them. He quit attending church on a regular basis, finding excuses not to attend. He asked to work on Sundays so he would have a good excuse. He justified this by telling himself he was spiritual and that he didn't need church. I texted him and told him I was disappointed that I didn't see him at church. He commented on this in his farewell talk.
My Grandpa Burt saw past my 'good deeds' and my 'spiritual activities.' I was shocked. I started to attend church wanting to change, but couldn't. It was impossible with my carnal desires. My heart was set upon the things of the world and no matter how much effort or work I did, I fell back into my old snares.
I didn't partake of the sacrament because I was told I was unworthy. After a while my Grandma, Sister Burt gave me talk called the significance of the sacrament. I sat there reading this talk, with tears running down my face. I knew I needed to partake of the sacrament. If I didn't Jesus Christ wouldn't be able to heal me because I wasn't letting him in. "The Lord surely should come to redeem his people, but that he should not come to redeem them in their sins, but to redeem them from their sins" (Helaman 5:10).
After that meeting I slowly started to feel a change within my heart, my desires were changing, my thoughts, my friends, my words, everything was being changed. Now this wasn't because of myself. I'm not capable of change in my carnal state. I can make different choices, which may seem like change, but if my heart is set then did I really change in the first place? I needed to have my heart changed. I heard of the term 'change of heart' but didn't understand at all. I over stacked my shelf with self help books, thinking I would be changed. My outside performance did change, but inside I never changed.
I'm grateful I received an answer on who may change my heart and that is God. "Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word..." (Alma 5:7).
David loved to come over and we would spend hours talking about the word of God and it importance in keeping us in the way. He was a natural when it came to teaching God's words to others. He seemed to know that God's words would take us beyond this veil of sorrow into a far better land of promise.
He could quote the scriptures and teach what he had learned, but as he said in his farewell talk:
To continue with the passage of the flashlight (using it to view a painting), and so with my life I could only see with this flashlight, the light I have, but because I turned to the Lord I received his light and through his light I became more aware of my disposition and with turning to the Lord he slowly took away my disposition to do evil, and he healed me through his words. ...Because I have walked down dark roads I have come to the knowledge of Jesus Christ and his mercy towards the children of men. ...I too have tasted the bitter so that I might prize the Good.
David served in the Paris, France mission. We had a chance to visit him once while he was serving near Brussels. He came home, and seemed to be doing well. He had met a sister missionary in France, and they dated for a while, but then David started to make some very bad choices that have proven to complicate and almost destroy his life.
I often wondered what happened to David? Why? What did I do wrong? I experienced a range of emotions including disappointment. I was angry with him. But that was because I was thinking of me. When I felt God's love for him, I felt that love for him. I was sad because he had complicated his life, but hopeful.
One thing I missed, however, is that with David's personality, he still believed he had to do all the work. He had not yet come to know through personal revelation that it was through the grace of God that we are changed. His experience with the Grace of God was minimal. Perhaps to him that truth was just information he gleaned from the scriptures, and while he could verbalize it, he did not know for himself. He was still a babe, but was being weaned and was seeking more of God's words. He did not yet have the Spirit of Revelation.
I think the praise of, and a desire to please others, was a factor in why he went on a mission. Sure he was gaining a testimony of Christ, and wanted to serve Him, but was the desire to teach others of Christ overwhelming? He had, after all, been praised his whole life. Praise which he said he was unworthy of. When he returned home, following his homecoming, most of those who had praised him were no longer around telling him how good he was because he had served a mission. He needed that as we all do. Perhaps his new friends flattered him instead. Flattery is a tool of Satan, and instead of praise, Satan flattered him and carefully led him down toward hell.
But don't get me wrong. David, like all of us, deserve to be praised (not flattered), but real praise. We need to be cared about and recognized. We also deserve to be loved. We do not have to earn it. We are all God's children.
I share His experience in hell, again with his permission:
“The Prodigal Son”
I’ve been away for a while. I was out trying to find the prodigal son, and one day stumbled across a pond of water and there He was!!! So I jumped in the water and tried to get Him out, splashing and really making a mess of the whole situation. After I lost My strength I got a clearer look and found Myself, bruised, tattered, beaten by thoughts of others, self-proclaimed praises mixed with self deprecating jokes and actions that even the angels couldn’t bear to watch.
Ashamed of what I’d become I set out to “re-create Myself” using chemicals, mistreating women, and giving up the faith I swore to protect.
On My journey I discovered the seven deadly sins, weary spirits who roamed from tabernacle to tabernacle in hopes to destroy and serve their master. I experienced all seven. I even walked with death. We danced for a while and then She got bored, said We were “just friends” and that Her kisses are special. Maybe one day.
I discovered mental illness and disease. I discovered I have something called bipolar disorder. I wonder if I grew up with, if it came after Dad died, or if it was from mixing ten drugs in a night. Whatever it is, I better make a bed for it, I wouldn’t want it to get cold and uncomfortable.
I even discovered heart break. I guess in order to understand God and His Plan I’ve got to understand what it means to lose the most precious element of existence, which is love.
I’ve lost a lot. Friendships crumbled because I exercised greed. Relationships buried because I exercised lust. Amends never made because I exercised pride. Paths never crossed because I exercised slothfulness. Moments I stole because of envy. My body cries for help because I became gluttonous and self afflicted wounds because I used wrath over compassion.
Like I said I ran into the seven deadly sins and because of turning away from God, I’ve watched best friends become enemies, I slept in My car while My ex malfunctioned in our apartment and I almost gave up.
A shell of The Man I once knew I walked into darkness hoping to leave this world behind Me. And as I made My bed and called death over for that lucky kiss I saw a transcendent light in the distance. It was buried in the ground yet sticking out just enough where I could reach it if I tried.
I started to dig until My knuckles bled! I was ready to give up when I pulled with all My might and discovered a microphone.
I performed for a room full of strangers and familiar faces too and I started to experience light, love, and joy. Being in the present moment, shining light, into My Heart and Soul. My God-given gift.
Now that I’ve performed over 350 times. I’ve realized that it’s okay to repent. God wants Me to experience life and choose good from evil. I believe that the path I’m on right now, as a comedian, is My way of coming back to the fold, as a penitent child.
I realize I’ve done a lot of bad and I’ve hurt a lot of people because I was choosing darkness. And now that I’ve repented of My sins I testify that,
the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ. I hope He continues to shine his light on Me. I’m going back to church.
If David hopes for the Lord's light to shine on him, he will be disappointed for His light grows from within. The paradox of light and darkness is that they are mutually exclusive in the sense that we are either receiving more light or we are receiving less light. It is either growing brighter or getting darker. I pray that David will continue to turn to that Light. (The Parable of the Prodigal Son is, after all, about the Father.)
The Lord led him to a microphone and to the light of Christ in the community of others, but there is so much more light to receive. He has discovered again his appetite for the word of God which is the light of Christ. I pray that he hungers and thirsts for it once again and feasts upon it.
When the spotlight no longer shines on me, and when I no longer receive the accolades of others, does His light still shine in me? Or am I left with my own meager spark? Languishing because there is no one praising me? Can others experience His light in me?
There is only One to please and that is our Father in Heaven. That is what I hope and pray for David. He is learning, I believe, that God's gifts to Him, in addition to bringing humor and laughter to others, also include receiving and teaching God's words, so that others may repent and receive His mercy. But glorifying, not himself, but our Father in Heaven. Pleasing not himself, but pleasing God. Losing ourselves to Him is hard work. Believe me, I know! But it is the only way that brings life everlasting.
Leo Tolstoy wrote once of a priest, who was criticized by one of his congregants for not living as resolutely as he should, the critic concluding that the principles the erring preacher taught must therefore also be erroneous.
In response to that criticism, the priest says: “Look at my life now and compare it to my former life. You will see that I am trying to live out the truth I proclaim.” Unable to live up to the high ideals he taught, the priest admits he has failed.
But he cries: “Attack me, [if you wish,] I do this myself, but [don’t] attack … the path I follow. … If I know the way home [but] am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way simply because I am staggering from side to side?
“… Do not gleefully shout, ‘Look at him! … There he is crawling into a bog!’ No, do not gloat, but give … your help [to anyone trying to walk the road back to God.]”
I first heard this quote by Tolstoy when it was quoted in a General Conference by Elder Holland. This truth still causes my heart to burn from within, as it did the first time I heard it.
The key is knowing the right way. Don't assume to know the right way until you do! Don't assume to think you are in the right way until you are!
Do not miss the truth here! Do not think yourself better off than David because the holes in your boat may be smaller. It is folly to think that you are better off than David. If we are all sinking from holes of our own making, is there really any solace to be found in the idea that I am sinking more slowly than my neighbor?
David is no more separated from God than we are. Perhaps I have kept only one law while my neighbor has kept ninety and nine. The gulf that remains between each of us and God is nevertheless infinite. We need to do exactly what David needs to do: repentantly fall down before the Lord and rely on his merits to save.
There is joy in heaven over one person who repents. And it is a full time job for all of us!
"Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which [think they] need no repentance" (Luke 15:6-7 emphasis added).
There is no wound that he cannot heal, no gap that he cannot cover, no weakness that he cannot make strong, and no hole that doesn’t need his infinite Atonement.
See Letter to My Grandchildren for remedy to keep them in the way