Repentance: Down is Up

These posts on Repentance are intended to be read in order beginning with Repentance: Introduction. At the bottom of each post is a link to the next post. This is a post script on repentance.

A good friend of mine once confided in me about his disappointment in not getting called as a Bishop or member of a High Council. He was confused and disappointed because he was promised in his Patriarchal Blessing that he would take his place among the leaders of the Church. He was in his fifties and had not yet been called to be a leader, not even at a ward level. I use the word leader as the church and its people use it--a leader by virtue of the position held.

I thought of my own disappointment in not being called to be the Bishop after a Bishopric I was serving in was released. I was a counselor at the time, and thought for sure that it was my time. I was disappointed when I was not called. It would be years later when I was called to be a Bishop, but by that time I wished that they had called someone who really wanted to be Bishop. I liked being the Bishop, however, but mainly because I could control the time in Bishopric and Ward meetings. I didn't cope well in meetings where time was wasted on generalities. I do sometimes look back and think of all the teaching opportunities I missed because I had not yet obtained the word of God, and could not teach with power and authority. 

I have known many who have never been called to any ward leadership offices, only to see themselves as being unworthy or not good enough, or as my friend would say--not validated. But these same brothers could not understand why so-and-so was called and they were not. They wanted to be the one called, even though they may not have aspired to an ecclesiastical leadership position. 

I say this as one who once aspired. But most of those I served with, and most of those who served me in leadership capacities were servants of God. They were humble servants who dedicated their time serving His children. For five years I sat next to one of the brightest and yet most humble High Councilor. He became our Stake President and called me to be Stake Sunday School President, a calling that was one of my greatest blessings. See why. 

He set me apart and through Him the Lord told me to search out what, why and how Christ taught, and I learned what He taught--only His Father's words; why He taught only His Father's words--so that all would desire His Mercy, and how He taught-- in Parables which He used to teach those who did not yet see and hear His Father's words. I am grateful to Cody for that blessing. He is one of my heroes, and I love him.

I share this because it illustrates how our church hierarchy encourages some to aspire to or desire leadership positions. In church culture, leadership positions are often considered an honor to be bestowed upon us. How we are proud that our father was a Bishop or Stake President. Obituaries are filled with this notion that puts the deceased on a pedestal, and reminds the many not called, of their leadership poverty. 

It makes me think of the Zoramites and their 'place for standing.' How each liked to stand on this specially built 'place for standing' or Rameumptom, and proclaim their goodness and specialness. For some of us it's sitting on the stand. One thing that I had missed, however, and one of the reasons I am re-visiting Repentance, is that those who were cast out felt bad because they could not stand upon the tower like their brethren and proclaim their goodness. They were not yet sufficiently humble to be taught of Christ.

They were not only poor as to the things of the world, but they were poor in heart. "We are cast out of our synagogues, that we cannot worship our God" (Alma 32:9). They wanted to worship like their well-to-do former church members. They also wanted to stand up on the Rameumptom and "thank their God that they were chosen of him" (Alma 31:22).

Alma had hoped they were sufficiently humble to be taught the word of God because he knew that only the word of God would bring them down in the depths of humility and then to Christ. 

But Alma used the term lowly in heart rather than poor in heart (Alma 32:8). Of course they were not yet lowly in heart because they lamented again: "What shall we do?--for we are cast out of our synagogues, that we cannot worship our God" (Alma 32:9). Alma knew that only the word of God would cause them to be lowly in heart, with emphasis on down and lowly!

These Zoramites had bought into the philosophy of Korihor, which was to stand up and be counted. They wanted recognition for their lives and they thought it was to stand up and be counted! Korihor preached that up was better than down. Why be dragged down because of the traditions of their fathers? 

Korihor asked why they would "yoke themselves with such foolish things?" Foolish things like being harrowed up by their sins. Foolish things like being brought low because of their nothingness. Foolish things like admitting they were weak and relying alone upon the merits of this so called Christ of which they had no evidence.

No need, said Korihor. You can fare "in this life according to the management of" your talents and hard work. You can prosper "according to your genius...and strength" (Alma 30:16-17). And this is the key: "And thus he did preach unto them, leading away the hearts of many, causing them to lift up their heads..." (Alma 30:18).

Whenever we are called to "lift up our heads" you can be sure that this is the  influence of Satan and not the influence of God, except where after falling to our knees, we lift up our heads to Christ. 

If Paul and Nephi could call themselves 'wretched' and if Paul could characterize himself as the “least of all saints” and the “chief of all sinners,” (Ephesians 3:8; 1 Timothy 1:15), then surely their description fits me as well. If I am strong only when I am weak, then it is much better to walk with Nephi "in the path of the low valley" than with those who "make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, and love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, and greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi" (Matthew 23:5-7).

But I must confess that I suffer from the need to be recognized. I want others to see me on the path holding fast to the rod of iron. I want them to say of me, did he not speak unto us the words of God! I want others to see me as a modern day Alma, saying nothing but repentance unto this generation. I want to be relevant. 

I want my children and my grandchildren to say of me, now and when I am gone "Our Dad/grandfather taught us so much and gave us the most priceless gift of God's words. He really has the gift of the word of knowledge! He will have joy because of our repentance! He was truly a prophet in the last days! His example to us is that of a chief sinner who was born of God and became a new creature."

Because if no one does, then I worry that I am as a leaf that flutters in the wind, and no one notices. I am nothing. Or if some noise I make is recognized, it is just the chatter of a nobody, and they say without knowing: "Don't pay any attention to him! He left his wife, and family behind! He is the worst father and grandfather!"

But no one knows me better than He does. He is more familiar with my sins than I am, since He has suffered and paid for them. He knows that sometimes I even count His gifts to me as my gifts to Him. 

Why is it then that after teaching a class, when someone comes up after and tells me what a great lesson I gave, I feel terribly uncomfortable? I do not want their praise, because all I did was teach what He taught me. Yeah, right! It is more likely that I am not comfortable because they may see that my humility is feigned. 

And this is the other reason I am re-visting repentance. Repentance is for me, as it is for you, a full-time job.

And no matter how hard I might try, I cannot rid myself of this need for recognition. It is my capacity for this sin and the multitude of other sins that must be changed. 

Christ knows all this about me. He knows all that I have done and all that I still do, or do not do. And He can work with someone like me. And He has and is. His Grace is sufficient for me! He does stand between me and justice!

The paradox is that He blesses me with the very gifts that if used, sometimes bring about the praises of men, and the criticism of others who know of my nothingness, and of my failure to live up to their standards or the standards of better people than I am. But to me it is a constant reminder that I need Him every hour, no, every minute, every second. I know what Paul meant when he said that when he is weak, then he is strong--because of Him! I know it!

But way more often there is no recognition, no praise. Just silence. And I feel a fraction of what He must feel when so many ignore His words and ridicule Him with their silence. Who is this sower of seeds? Who is this teacher of parables? Isn't he dead?

I no longer want the recognition that comes from sitting on the stand or being a leader in the church. But I want others to recognize His gifts to me! I want my family to recognize His gifts to me!

I know, however, that God is not impressed by display, and he does not need publicity. The world will always turn its attention to the highly placed, to the well known, to the visibly important, to those with means, to those on the stand. But God loves humility. He honors those who desire His righteousness, rather than those who are known by others for being righteous. The world will always ask, “Is not this the carpenter’s son” (Mathew 13:55)? 

There is a second paradox. While I would like recognition for His gifts to me, Christ certainly doesn't need me to teach His words. He has already taught them much more effectively than I ever will. But I need to teach them! For me and hopefully for you. I still want you to someday say "thank you for teaching me, for calling me to repentance, for using His words to turn or return me to my Savior." 

But I sin in wanting this. I have to ask Him everyday for those who hear His words through me, to thank Him and deny not His gifts and His power. It is His words I want them to hear, not mine. I pray constantly that I desire His righteousness, to be a follower of His Righteousness, yea, even a greater follower. 

Hopefully when that happens He will have changed me enough to rejoice in Him, and not have any more desire to make broad my phylacteries. Yet I tremble when I think of wanting others to see my righteousness. 

I know that I am called to cry repentance unto this people. And I want that I should labor all my days in crying repentance unto this people. I want to bring many to Him, but if I only bring one, I want that my joy shall be great with him in the kingdom of my Father! In this I do not think that I sin.