I Am A Sinner

Important in the records of the dispensations is that when men depart from God's way and substitute their own ways in its place, they usually do not admit that this is what they are doing. Often they do not deliberately or even consciously substitute their ways for God's ways. On the contrary, they easily and largely convince themselves that their way is God's way. The apostasy described in the New Testament is not a desertion of the cause, but perversion of it, a process by which 'the righteous are removed, and none perceives it. 

Let me give you a personal example.

I would not have described myself as a Sinner when I was younger, or even in my middle age years. Only other people were sinners, those bad people who had committed acts and transgressions, none of which I had committed. I had been taught that the Gospel of Jesus Christ was about my righteousness, my goodness, my worthiness and my works. I saw myself as one of the good guys. I had always thought that Christ gave us His gospel and all we needed to do was live it. I was one of those who went about to establish my own righteousness. 

To have been called as a Bishop, I had to be righteous. I had to be one of the good guys. Right? I was, after all, one of the Saturday Warriors who had been sent to the earth in the last days. I was so good in the preexistence that I was born a Mormon, had married in the temple, had great kids, etc. I lived the word of wisdom, was morally clean, had a temple recommend, and I paid my tithing. I had to be good. Right? Until I wasn't!

I can't remember when I first began to realize that I had been living a perverted gospel, and that I had been deceiving myself into thinking that I was good. But the more I searched the scriptures and listened to God's voice through His words, the more I realized that I was worshiping a false image--an image of myself as a good guy in a world with the lot of bad guys. I was comparing myself to others and could always find others much worse than I was, or so I thought. I was a winner and knew that I could flash my report card and be accepted into heaven. Whatever weaknesses there may have been, He would beat me with a few stripes, but in the end I would be saved.

But something in me changed when I read Romans 10:1-4:

"For I bear them record that they have a zeal of God, but not according to knowledge. For they being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves to the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone that believeth" (emphasis added).

That was me! I was going about to establish my own righteousness. I was ignorant of God's righteousness and I had not submitted myself to the righteousness of God. Certainly I had taken strength unto myself and was lifted up in the imagination and the thoughts of my heart. I had been preaching myself and not Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4-5).

I thought of all the ways I had done this. It was about me. I wanted others to see me as one of the good guys. I had a testimony! I had read the scriptures! I was an active church member! I was the elder brother, part of the ninety and nine who (thought) they needed no repentance. I was certainly not the prodigal son! I was not the lost sheep!

I was starting to see myself as one who worshiped God with my lips, but whose heart was far from Him. This came about as I really began to search the word of God, which is truth, light, and the spirit of Christ (D&C84:45), and holding myself up against that light, I soon experienced the darkness that is within me. I realized that I had been teaching the doctrines of men mingled with scriptures, and had myself accepted these teachings. I had made my ways God's ways.

I wanted to repent of this wickedness, but was not sure how to repent. I wanted to know how the Lord defined repentance. I was determined to submit myself to God's righteousness, and soon I began to see myself in comparison to Him. It is true that as I came unto Him He immediately began to show unto me my weaknesses (Ether 12:27). I read that repentance is the main message of the Book of Mormon, of all scripture, which also tells us that the essence of repentance is knowing exactly what we are--"O how great is the nothingness of...men" (Helaman 12:17 emphasis added). I learned that Godly sorrow--"sorrowing unto repentance, because of the goodness of God" (Mormon 2:13)--lead both Paul and Nephi to exclaim: "What a wretched man that I am!" (2 Nephi 4:17; Romans 7:24). For the first time in my life I felt my nothingness, my wickedness, my wretchedness, in comparison to His Goodness!

But like most people, I suppose, I did this privately because at first I was afraid to show to anyone else what I was discovering about myself. I was still hiding behind my false image. I was starting to see that my image was after the image of the world, and that I fared in this life according to my strengths and talents. I had certainly taken strength unto myself and cut myself off from my Savior, my roots (Jacob 5:48). I could, for the first time understand why self-righteousness was described as being corrupted. I saw myself and the evil in my own heart. He showed me the hearts of some who were meekly following and serving their Savior, and I wanted to be like them. I read a lot about the heart in the scriptures and found my own heart wanting. I could give lip service to loving God with all my heart, but I knew that within my own heart I really didn't. 

I learned that repentance includes the process of knowing myself, and in doing so, I discovered it was an unsettling exercise in self knowledge. Even though I was born innocent, there are so many flaws in my nature, so many weaknesses in my character, and so much evil in my heart, and for the very first time I realized that I was a Sinner. I wasn't ready yet to describe myself as a Chief Sinner, but I was getting close.

Soon everything I was reading and hearing in the scriptures was jumping out at me with the message: It is not about your righteousness, but about Christ's! It is, in fact, about your unworthiness (Alma 38:14). I was changing and was no longer comparing myself to others. I was beginning to experience my unworthiness before God.

Through God's word, I heard that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the power of God unto salvation, and not the power of me earning my salvation through good works. I heard that we attain unto the righteousness of Christ through faith in Christ (Romans 9:30-33). And as I experienced my nothingness and His goodness, I knew that I must put my faith in Him and not in myself, because no matter what I did, I would always fall way short of His goodness. I was beginning to understand the fall of Adam and its effect on all mankind, and then I began to experience my own lost and fallen state. It was then, and only then, that I realized the need for the Atonement in my own life. I was no longer the elder brother, or part of the ninety and nine that needed no repentance. I was the prodigal son! I was the lost sheep!

God's words taught me that repentance is not a single act or multiple acts of righteousness. It is the action of turning to God and His righteousness and turning away from Evil--turning our backs on all that which is opposed to the Righteousness of God, experiencing that only God is righteous and desiring to be a follower of His Righteousness. Man cannot be righteous, so the righteousness that I follow is God's. I realized that a hard heart is one that is set upon the things of the world and upon the imaginations of our hearts, and turns us away from God's righteousness. I realize that I am standing in the middle and am faced with absolute decisions.... I am either repenting or not repenting and that is, according to the scriptures, the whole difference between being in a state of His righteousness (1 Nephi 22:26 & 28; Mosiah 27:25) or being wicked and under the influence of Satan.

It was revealed to me that all of us are sons and daughters of God, but that we cannot and do not live wholly good lives because of the fall of Adam. We need to be saved from the evil in our own hearts, the lack of our own minds, and the weakness of our own strength. Jesus Christ was sent to this earth first as Jehovah, then as the mortal Jesus, and then as the resurrected Savior, to save us from ourselves, from our weaknesses, and from our sins.

When I realized that there are divers ways and means whereby we can sin, even so many that we cannot number them (Mosiah 4:29), and that even one sin, no matter how small, subjects me to all of the Justice of God (James 2:10), hope for me came only in my Savior. I didn't want the justice of God! I wanted and needed Mercy, and I learned that Mercy comes only to those who repent, and that I must recognize the darkness within me and turn to Him who is mighty to save (which is His definition of what it means to repent). I knew that it was hopeless to rely upon any of my merits, but must rely wholly and alone upon His merits! (2 Nephi 31:19; Moroni 6:4). There is no law that could save me. No amount of human goodness or improvement could save me. No amount of self discipline could save me. I knew that because of His mercy, it was possible that I could be found guiltless at the judgment bar! He would be merciful to me and save me from my sins! I knew that it was through His grace that I would be saved, after all I could do, and all I could do was repent (2 Nephi 25:23; Alma 24:11)!

All that I have done in my life is a testament to the fact of my being a Sinner. And I don't mind acknowledging now that I am a Chief Sinner. I don't mind telling you that I have sinned, and I will continue to sin, but that through faith in my Savior, I am no longer under the bondage of sin or in captivity because of my sins. I am now under His grace, and desire to receive more grace. I can be saved from all my sins, and even someday from my iniquities or the effects of my sins upon others, and that He will perfect me. 

I hate the fact, however, that I have sinned and that I do sin. I know that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance. Some of my sins have caused people to be hurt and wounded. My sins have disappointed many, and perhaps even caused some to lose faith. I know that without His mercy, I could not stand in the presence of God and would want to have the rocks fall on me to hide me from His presence. How grateful I am for His gift of Repentance, for His love and mercy! And I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died! How grateful I am for His amazing Grace!

I have experienced the darkness within me and in the world. I realize now that I cannot deny the darkness within or avoid the darkness in the world. I have seen it, acknowledged it, accepted it, experienced it, but have transcended it by seeking God's light shining in the darkness. And now my sole purpose is to serve God by bringing others to Him like Alma did, so they can taste as I have tasted.

It is my prayer that we all come to know that our hearts need to be changed and can be changed through faith in His name, and that there is no other name given whereby salvation cometh. I would that we not deceive ourselves into thinking that our ways are God's ways. Our hearts rule and whatever they want we will get. In these last days we cannot afford to think that by taking strength unto ourselves we will be saved. We cannot be saved by our efforts at living well. Our goodness is flawed goodness. Overcoming the effects of the fall cannot be by human efforts and sacrifice, by self discipline and moral living. It requires an infinite and eternal sacrifice.

I would that you would take upon you the name of Christ and retain His name always written in your hearts, and that you hear and know the voice by which you should be called, and also, the name by which He shall call you! For "how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart" (Mosiah 5:13)?

We need to eliminate from our thinking that it is about our efforts, our striving, our discipline, remembering that "...there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need (or think they need) no repentance" (Luke 15:7). 

Imagine that we have 

All been born again, 

And have become new creatures, Relying wholly and alone upon 

The merits of Christ:  

Then the works that we do 

Will be His works

Done by the power and gifts of God According to our faith in Him,

The fruits of our repentance.  

We will know that He is the vine

And that we are the branches, 

And that the branches cannot 

Bring forth fruit of themselves.  

We will recognize and

Receive His gifts and 

Rejoice in them, and in 

Him who is the giver of the gifts. 

We will love because 

We have been filled 

With His love, and 

Will desire that all 

Partake of His love.  

His love will be expressed

Through us and, we 

Will hold up His light 

Rather than our own.  

We will look to Him and live, 

And desire all to look and live, and Will do everything we can to serve Him by serving others, 

And bring them to Him.

He will take away our 

Disposition to do evil 

And cure our tendency 

To turn away from Him.  

We will switch from worshiping Ourselves and each other, 

To worshiping our God and King!

Zion or Babylon

Through the word of God we learn that there are several "either-or" propositions or choices that we have while in this probationary state, such as: Good or Evil; Light or Darkness; Happiness or Misery; and Justice or Mercy.

There is another of which we don't often associate with a choice of one or the other: Zion or Babylon, which appear in scripture as two mutually exclusive entities. Zion represents what Babylon is not, and vice versa. A person cannot belong to both, but must choose one or the other, just as we must choose good or evil, or justice or mercy. Isaiah, for example, describes Zion as both a people and a place--those of the Lord's people who repent and the place to which they return or to which the Lord delivers them. Babylon is the antithesis, namely those who do not repent, and the world--all that the Lord destroys in the day of judgment.

If Zion consists of those of the Lord's people who repent, who return, and whom the Lord delivers, then Babylon consists of all who do not repent, who do not return, and whom the Lord does not deliver. If Babylon stands for the world and the wicked whom the Lord destroys in the day of judgment, then Zion stands for what He does not destroy at that time.

Historically, Babylon was an idolatrous, materialistic world empire which is used in scripture to define latter-day Babylon, which is the idolatrous and materialistic world in which we live. Our choice, therefore, becomes this world (Babylon) or Zion (to which we must be delivered after we repent). We cannot have both as they are mutually exclusive.

We can't claim that we live in the world, but not of the world. We are all in Babylon. But where is the cry among the Lord's people to be delivered from Babylon? It will only come from those of the Lord's people who are repenting, and who desire and want Zion to be established, and who will labor, not for money, but for Zion (2 Nephi 26:31). We cannot ally ourselves with Babylon.

Zion are those of the Lord's people whom the Lord exalts, spiritually and temporally, following a time of probation. Babylon are those who exalt themselves now but who in the end suffer humiliation. They are those whom Lehi and Nephi saw in the large and spacious building, who pointed the finger of scorn at those who ate the fruit of the tree of life.

So how should we view our present situation of being in Babylon where Zion has not yet been established? Hugh Nibley, in his enlightening book Approaching Zion, articulates many problems we face today in becoming a Zion people. As he points out, instead of having become more Zion-like since the restoration of the Gospel through the Prophet Joseph Smith, we seem to have acquired more of the characteristics of Babylon. Instead of having become God's peculiar people, a nation of kings and priests, queens and priestesses, we have become, as some of our modern prophets tell us, an idolatrous people, a people under condemnation, treating lightly the things (words) we have received. 

If this is the beginning point, where do we go from here?

First, we must recognize where we are. We live in Babylon and our employer is Satan, and it is his system that we work and labor in. This has been true (with a few exceptions where Zions was established) since the time of Adam, where Cain and many after him rejected God and chose to operate under Satan's system--which is Babylon, and which will be destroyed.

Second, we must recognize that we are slaves in this system and cannot deliver ourselves from it, even though we can pray for and desire it. Like the children of Israel in Egypt, we are slaves in Babylon and must be delivered.

Third, we must recognize that there is something better--Zion or the Lord's law which will be established, whether we choose to leave Babylon or not. But if we choose Zion over Babylon, we must prepare ourselves to leave Babylon.

Fourth, we must feast upon His words and believe them--not treat them lightly (D&C 84:49-58). Through His words we come to know that Zion will be established by those who believe His words, exercise faith in Him, repent and rely totally upon His merits to save them. Through His words we learn that the Prophet Joseph laid the foundation for the latter-day Zion, and that callings and offices in the restored Church of Jesus Christ exist expressly for the purpose of establishing Zion and her stakes (D&C 107:36-37, 59, 74). The Saints' labors in the Lord's vineyard build up the Church, which helps bring forth Zion (D&C 39:13). We will come to know that the purpose of the Doctrine & Covenants is to lay the foundation for the building up of the latter-day Zion. We must labor for Zion and not for money (2 Nephi 26:31).

Fifth, we must come to know that Zion cannot be built up unless it is built up by the law of the celestial kingdom (D&C 105:5), meaning we must desire to live the law of consecration so there will be no poor among us.

But are we enjoying Babylon so much that we don't even think of Zion? Are we like the Jews who were captured by the Babylonians and taken back to Babylonia, only to want to remain in Babylon even after they were free to go back to Jerusalem?

(I recommend reading Paradigms of Zion by Avraham Gileadi, for a very comprehensive scriptural analysis of Zion and Babylon, not only the historical Zion(s), but the prophesied Zion(s) of the latter-days).

Taking Strength Unto Ourselves

In Zenos' Allegory of the Olive Tree, the Lord asks His servant the question: "Who is it that has corrupted my vineyard?" The servant answers with another question:  Is it not the loftiness of thy vineyard--have not the branches thereof overcome the roots which are good? And because the branches have overcome the roots thereof, behold they grew faster than the strength of the roots, taking strength unto themselves, behold, I say, is not this the cause that the trees of thy vineyard have become corrupted?" (Jacob 5:48 emphasis added) 

Another reference to taking strength unto ourselves is found in Helaman 4:13 which says that when we boast of our own strength, we will be left to our own strength. By being left to our own strength we will not prosper and will become corrupted. This description is associated with not only the pride of their hearts, but also the denying of the spirit of prophecy and the spirit of revelation, descriptions of people who no longer believe in the power of God, having chosen to rely on their own strength and power. (Helaman 4:23)

Corrupted is also used in the scriptures to describe the people in the days of Noah before the flood, and specifically "...the wickedness of men had become great in the earth, and every man was lifted up in the imagination of the thoughts of his heart, being only evil continually" (Moses 8:22). 

This particular type of wickedness is consistently described in the Book of Mormon and other scripture, and particularly describes the conditions of the last days, not only among the world but among members of the Church as well.  "For they seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god, whose image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol..." (D&C 1:16). 

Because God is the source of all goodness, and because we do not merit anything of ourselves, it is death for us to take strength unto ourselves.

  

By describing Himself as the vine, He reminds us that we are but branches and cannot bring forth fruit of ourselves. C.S. Lewis reminds us that Satan is perfectly content to see us being chaste and self-disciplined, while he sets up in us the dictatorship of pride. He cures our cold but gives us cancer. 

George MacDonald put it another way: "True victory over self is the victory of God in the man, not of the man alone. It is not subjugation that is enough, but subjugation by God. In whatever a man does without God, he must fail miserably--or succeed more miserably."

Liken the Scriptures Unto Ourselves

We will not get much out of the scriptures if we continually think of ourselves as the 'good guys' and fail to liken the scriptures to ourselves. It has been said that wo unto that generation who knows what the Book of Mormon is all about. It is written for us by those who saw our day. And what did they see?

Specifically when Moroni was shown our "doing" he did not describe us as we might like to see ourselves. He said that he knows that we walk in the pride of our hearts, and that we have transfigured the holy word of God. He asks us why we are ashamed to take upon us the name of Christ, and why we value the things of the world and adorn ourselves with that which has no life. And he asks us why we have polluted the holy church of God? He tells us we love money and our substance more than we love the poor and the needy. And he also warns us that the sword of vengeance hangs over us.

A specific scripture we can liken to ourselves to see if the conditions spoken of are present with us is found in 3 Nephi 6, and describes the people of the church as being distinguished by ranks according to their riches and their chances for learning. We do not have to look too hard at the Wasatch Front to see that we too are distinguished by ranks. There are those who have riches and as a result receive greater learning because of their riches, while many are ignorant because of their poverty and their lack of opportunities to gain an education.

This inequality was described as great wickedness and iniquity, especially because it existed in the Church. And it was a result of pride and seeking of the vain things of the world. And, moreover, these people did not sin ignorantly, for they knew the will of God concerning them, for it had been taught them, therefore they did willfully rebel against God. Could it be that we too know better, and yet persist in setting our hearts upon the vain things of the world?

These are the same conditions that existed among the Church in Alma's day (Alma 4) and we can also liken them to ourselves. When Alma describes the people as waxing proud because of their riches which they had gained by their industry, could it be that he is also describing us? It was so bad that their pride did exceed the pride of those who did not belong to the church of God. Alma also describes great inequality among the people of the Church, and describes this inequality as iniquity and wickedness. 

There were, however, others who were humble, who did help the poor and the needy. These also suffered all manner of afflictions for Christ's sake. They, according to the spirit of prophecy, did look forward to the day that Christ should come, retaining a remission of their sins being filled with great joy because of the resurrection of the dead.

Alma mourned, however, because of the persecutions which were heaped upon the humble followers of God by the remainder of his people, seeing all their inequality.

Isaiah tells us that the people of Ephraim are drunk with the wine of self-deception, and he also had many other things to say about us in these latter-days, almost identical with the descriptions by Alma and Nephi. The humble followers of Christ act no hypocrisy and no deception, meaning they do not see themselves as anything but what they are in comparison to the goodness of God, having retained in remembrance their nothingness. Therefore, they rely wholly upon the merits of Christ, and do not rely on their own industry and strength.